A disagreement that I have had recently was with an old best friend of mine. I’m actually friends with her and her sister. So my old best friend was upset with me because when her sister passed I only texted her to give my condolences and check on her but I never called her. I called and texted her sister though. I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t sure if she would even accept my text let alone my call since we hadn’t talked in well over a year. She felt that I hurt her feelings because we had been friends for well over 30 years and she felt that I could have at least called. The thing is she hasn’t been the type of friend she should and I have given my all and then some and I got tired of it so I stop calling her because we stopped being best friend over 15 years ago due to her not liking my new friend who is my best friend currently. We had an unproductive conflict because nothing was solved. This type of conflict is when conflict is managed poorly and there is a negative impact on the individuals or the relationship (O’Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, and Teven, 2015). Once I read the readings for this week I realized I could have handled the situation better. I did apologize to my friend for not calling her. I can be obliging on this conflict because she is a person that will not let this end regardless of the fact that I apologized and explained why I did what I did. Another strategy I can use is the NVC method by connecting with the needs of others that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling (http://www.cnvc.org/).
Reference
O’Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J. (2015). Real communication (3rd. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
Early Learners Boss 
I had a similar situation to this. An old friend’s brother died in an accident around the same time my grandfather died. At the time, I was in town for my grandfather and mainly to console my mother. When I heard of the news, I felt my old friend needed time alone with her family to focus on the big issues at hand so I did not try to reach out to her but did leave a facebook message expressing my condolences. I think since that incident, we have never been the same. I believe she was hurt, but I did not want to intervene during the time. In hindsight, I could have handled the situation better too. Since I do not know for a fact that stifled our relationship, our communication has a very uncertain climate. Neither of us took action to express our situation at the time. At this point, I am not sure if the there are amends for the relationships since I lives so far away. The NVC method is a reminder one situation have can many differing feelings and viewpoints to bridge in order to remain connected.
LikeLike
Hi Regina,
I don’t think your approach on the situation was wrong in any way it would have been wrong if you did not reach out at all. She was probably just in a very sensitive time and it hurt her more. There are different ways that this situation could have been handled but I think you handled it the best way you knew how based on your history with her and your relationship. Thank you for sharing this.
LikeLike
Regina,
It can be so hard to express how we feel for another person, especially after so much time has passed and relationships have changed. It’s also hard to know what everyone needs when they have lost someone. Learning about NVC has certainly helped to shed the light on different communication styles which have the potential to cause conflict and misinterpretation.
LikeLike
Regina,
Unfortunately some of us have those friends who feel they should not put forth as much effort as a friend as we do and as soon as we step back and realize that they feel betrayed. Over the years I have let a lot of friends go because I am a friend that gives her all, but I did have some in my life that did not do the same. I had friends who expected me to visit them when I would come home and visit and when I didn’t would get mad, but when I would find out that they were in my town and didn’t even call and I would call them on it, they would get offended. Those are the friends I no longer have. You did the right thing by reaching out like you did and the fact that what you did wasn’t enough for her instead of looking at the bigger picture which would of been you not doing anything, she is mad at the wrong things.
LikeLike
Regina,
After reading your story as well as Laura’s I could not help but think how technology has changed our world. I must admit that it does bother me when people only send messages via text or social media about emotional subjects. Before these upgrades in technology people actually called each other. There was human connection either in person or verbally. I think with technology one cannot predict whether the feeling or emotion is sincere and the receiving person can perceive what is read negatively. But also messaging does not always allow understanding of situations for both parties. Your example and Laura’s showed there other things involved which of course your friends did not understand at the time. But hopefully one day you both can work things out if the friendship is to remain. If not then it was not meant to be.
Pam
LikeLike
Hi regina,
I hope that you and your friend can try to start a new relationship. The 3r’s is a good place to start. I am glad you were able to talk with her and apologize for not reaching out to her with a phone call. Use this time to talk about how to mend your friendship if that’s something you may be interested in doing. It’s a wonderful thing that you two are at least communicating and you should encourage her to continue. good luck
LikeLike
Hi regina,
That’s a hard and tough decision. It’s so sad that she thought you would reach out to her after so many years of no communication. I applaud how you handled the situation, because you could’ve chosen to ignore her and the feelings she expose to you. I think now that you guys are somewhat communicating again that you two should try to reestablish a relationship and talk about how to respond to the needs of each other without leaving out your new best friend. It’s a worth a try and if not at least you were able to apologize. good luck!!
LikeLike